Clickbait

My mood took an instant turn for the worse when I clicked on the Manchester Evening News story and, of course I’d been suckered. With a single tap on the screen I became part of the problem instead of being part of the solution. Over the next couple of days things got worse. The piece was obviously “doing business” and was republished on the websites of The Mirror, the Stoke Sentinel, the Coventry Telegraph, the Leicester Mercury and The Metro.

And looking at the original story, it turned out it has taken two reporters to write it.

And a photographer.

Honestly, clickbait is enough to make me question my whole career choice.

The truth is that reporting is a simple job often carried out by - how can I put it - uncomplicated people.

Like me.

In a nutshell, people tell me things and I tell other people what they said.

In school, we called it Chinese Whispers. Or gossip.

But it’s very straightforward: if I know something and you don’t, then it’s a story. You may not be interested in it, but the release of hitherto unshared information is the essence of news.

It’s not rocket science (unless it’s a story about NASA or SpaceX).

When I joined the BBC I realised the premise needed clarifying so here’s my amended version:

People tell me things and I tell other people what they said … after I’ve checked whether or not they’re talking b*ll*cks.

Depressingly, some journalists don’t care for fact checking - and a professional really should. But is journalism a profession?

A cursory look at X, Threads and Substack profiles sees the word bandied about with abandon. Why do people leap to call themselves journalists? What is it about the job title that people want to associate themselves with? Is it because they think people will take them seriously? That strangers will think they must be interesting, quirky, dangerous? Perhaps it’s because they think that if they stick that in their four-line profile they’ll be magically invited to cocktail parties and press launches and be able to tick the box that says professional on their next credit card application form.

They won’t.

Journalists are not the same as doctors. Journalists are not the same as lawyers. We aren’t the same as teachers, accountants or scientists.

“Perhaps,” say the journalists. “But what about the uncovering, the revealing, the groundbreaking stories we do?”

Of course they’re right. There are shattering stories to be covered - ones that shake society to the core crafted by writers who care deeply about what they put their name to. And yet…

A few months ago I started collecting the worst non-stories I could find. That they are published at all speaks volumes because these ARE the ones that get the most clicked.

We get the news we deserve.

Clickbait.

And, here’s the rub: you only carried on reading this Substack this far because I wrote higher up the piece there were going to be some really funny non-stories further down the page. So here they are…

We get the news we deserve. Click(bait) on the images below to make them bigger and readable.

Of all of them, though, the one at the top of this post is my favourite.

“Man waits four hours for his Chinese takeaway only to be told order was never placed.”

Not because of the story itself but because of a comment left underneath. It gave me hope.

“I’m forwarding this to the people of Ukraine so they know they’re not the only ones suffering.”